I am a yoga teacher.
Six years ago I was into my third day of treatment for anorexia. I weighed roughly 80 lb. and could not walk up the stairs of the treatment center in less than twenty minutes. Unlike many of the other girls, I am so grateful to be very grateful to be there. Finally I was not alone. They were not going to let me run seven miles every morning. They were not going to let me live on sugar-free
Jell-O and Crystal Light with extra Equal. They were going to protect me from what had taken over me. Fours years ago today, I ate lasagna for the first time in years.
I remember not even sensing I had a body, not knowing what was going on at all down there. I was a brain, a very loud and very demanding and very busy mind, and that’s all. I was no longer a person or a being. I was definitely not like you all. I was completely different. I had to live by these deranged rules and restrictions. I was stuck energy, blocked and spinning around and around my head like a cyclone. That’s all I was.
I remember not being able to see until I arrived at the treatment center exactly how thin and sick I had gotten. I walked into the bathroom at the center, I glanced into the mirror and finally I saw…’Good God’, I thought, ‘what have I done?’.
And today I am a yoga teacher. I am yearning and hoping and praying to do it well. I want only to pass on to my students the truth and love I have received from my practice. I cherish what yoga has done for me in the very short time I have been practicing it regularly. It has created a desire in me to do what’s best for my body, no matter what my silly head might say. This beautiful and forgiving body I have manipulated my entire life, I can finally without fear and without guilt, give it what it needs. I have a new and fantastic relationship with it today. It is a part of me, part of my whole self. I continue to get pretty cerebral at times. My head gets noisy still. And the old invalid thoughts can be relentless, especially when I have not done my utmost to care for my body. When I am tired, or hungry, or drank too much wine last night, my head can go to dangerous places. But yoga and meditation have given me the courage to let those thoughts pass and not act on them. I thank them for visiting, I continue to love myself unconditionally, and I return to truth.
Well, maybe it’s not always that easy. I must admit, I do have this relationship with one particular part of my body that continues to be…dramatic. Of course all of the drama occurs between my ears, "pay no attention to the circling old silly thoughts behind the curtain". I do not believe people would guess that I think about such things as often as I admittedly do. At least, I hope they don’t suspect a thing.
I have encountered women who have similar issues, some obsess about their thighs or their ankles. I went to treatment with a girl who talked about how fat her arms were everyday in group therapy. I wailed on her one day, could no longer take the incessant fat arm talk. Such group sessions were seen as therapeutic for all the girls. She did not appreciate my candor.
Perhaps because when I was an overweight kid, I blamed whatever went wrong in my life on the size of my body. Perhaps the memory lives on in my body, if you will, and any feelings of discomfort and/or insecurity take my focus to my body. I’m not sure. My body is sometimes on my mind constantly, unfortunately. However, lately, I have been able to step outside and feel the emotions rather than simply blame my poor body. I sense the fear that is behind the false thinking, and I can soothe myself. I can feel that it’s just silly fear again, or some other uncomfortable emotion. And I can know, really know, that my body is beautiful, or at least it is inconspicuous. No one cares about it. Isn’t that nice? I can only attribute this miraculous alteration in my thought patterns to my participation in yoga and meditation. I have never, ever, in the years past felt as if I really do not care what my body looks like, as long as I am healthy. Lately, I feel like this more and more each day.
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